...idk

This weekend wasn't all that bad. I've tried seperating myself as Gen has asked me to do. It's difficult not to blame yourself for what is happening. But it's better than feeling like hell. It comes easy to me to ignore something when someone tells me too. Can I do it the rest of my life? idk. Can I find a way to live like a yo-yo all do to loving him? Am I willing to give up more than I already have?

I have given myself one chance more...just one.

skip week 3

And go directly to 4. Week 4 is this Tuesday. I wanted to have something down on paper...hence the post below...

But what I have to say is now in my memory...

I hope he hears me.

letter...

I wanted to write a letter to Kris. I was really overly excited about it. Then I thought "what the heck kind a letter?" Then I thought a really good NSFW dirty email would spark a fire...idk, maybe it would, maybe it would just make me look like a fucking fool. A fool who can't give up what she loves...

Then I thought I should just write a true letter of feelings...but when I go to write it I break down into tears, the paper gets wet, and the ink smears...Maybe I should use pencil? But is he going to understand a letter of feelings? I don't really thing so...

Maybe a letter of facts. Facts, lists, details?
Maybe a letter of impressions?
Maybe a letter of hatred?
Maybe a letter of intimate thoughts?

I really should just stated what is in my brain and let the pieces fall where they may?

Someone help me...

I refuse

To hurt anymore. I refuse to be upset, angry, stressed, frustrated, bothered, eager...

I refuse...

pain

I'm in pain today. Throbbing headache that won't go away. I took some pills, maybe too many of the but who cares.

Rule number 1

Never, ever, underestimate anyone or yourself under any circumstances. I understand you love him...but really is it worth it?

Time for the soul searching...

WOOT WOOT.

Yeah, I'm insane. Don't get what I just wrote?? Then you don't know me at all....

SMILE big fucking SMILE

week 2

Well, I didn't cry this time. I think that going in one at a time was easier for me to deal with. I handed in my homework and was told how pretty my handwriting is.

I'm feeling calm but not confident...yet.

Frustration

Frustrated over your frustration with frustration.

Got that?

No, to fucking bad.

Week 1

Likes, ignores, and changes.

Living life and being happy should not be this difficult.

Got Milk? WTF?

squirrels are dangerous

http://www.kxly.com/Global/story.asp?S=9145810&nav=menu683_2_7

I'm sorry

I'm sorry for making your life unlivable. I wish it wasn't me. I love being your wife. I wish you loved being my husband. Apparently I was wrong. I'm so stupid sometimes.

Coyote

I went up to Mesquite today to see a client. Almost hit a coyote. poor thing...hehe

what about now...

"What About Now"

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Confused...

It's been such a long time since I wrote on here. I never have time anymore. Maybe that is a lie. I just don't write. I used to write a lot...with pen and paper. It's amazing the things that you forget to do when life twists around. I miss so much that I had, that I need, that I want. It's hard to put it into words. Maybe I just never had anything to begin with. Maybe I just tricked myself that I had something because I needed something to believe in. I think most of this is a manifestation that I dream up. LMAO. Sometimes I think that I am living in a dream world and pray desperately to wake up. But in reality I know that it can't be done. How hard is it to wake up form a bad dream? You tell me please because I am dying to find the answer to that question. Sometimes the dream itself is tricking and confusing...I wish it wasn't. I wish a lot...