Feeling ill

My throat is sore. I'm sleepy and tired. I was going to go out to dinner tonight...but I changed my mind. Imma gonna go home and sleep...

...idk

This weekend wasn't all that bad. I've tried seperating myself as Gen has asked me to do. It's difficult not to blame yourself for what is happening. But it's better than feeling like hell. It comes easy to me to ignore something when someone tells me too. Can I do it the rest of my life? idk. Can I find a way to live like a yo-yo all do to loving him? Am I willing to give up more than I already have?

I have given myself one chance more...just one.

skip week 3

And go directly to 4. Week 4 is this Tuesday. I wanted to have something down on paper...hence the post below...

But what I have to say is now in my memory...

I hope he hears me.

letter...

I wanted to write a letter to Kris. I was really overly excited about it. Then I thought "what the heck kind a letter?" Then I thought a really good NSFW dirty email would spark a fire...idk, maybe it would, maybe it would just make me look like a fucking fool. A fool who can't give up what she loves...

Then I thought I should just write a true letter of feelings...but when I go to write it I break down into tears, the paper gets wet, and the ink smears...Maybe I should use pencil? But is he going to understand a letter of feelings? I don't really thing so...

Maybe a letter of facts. Facts, lists, details?
Maybe a letter of impressions?
Maybe a letter of hatred?
Maybe a letter of intimate thoughts?

I really should just stated what is in my brain and let the pieces fall where they may?

Someone help me...

I refuse

To hurt anymore. I refuse to be upset, angry, stressed, frustrated, bothered, eager...

I refuse...

pain

I'm in pain today. Throbbing headache that won't go away. I took some pills, maybe too many of the but who cares.

Rule number 1

Never, ever, underestimate anyone or yourself under any circumstances. I understand you love him...but really is it worth it?

Time for the soul searching...

WOOT WOOT.

Yeah, I'm insane. Don't get what I just wrote?? Then you don't know me at all....

SMILE big fucking SMILE

week 2

Well, I didn't cry this time. I think that going in one at a time was easier for me to deal with. I handed in my homework and was told how pretty my handwriting is.

I'm feeling calm but not confident...yet.

Frustration

Frustrated over your frustration with frustration.

Got that?

No, to fucking bad.

Week 1

Likes, ignores, and changes.

Living life and being happy should not be this difficult.

Got Milk? WTF?

squirrels are dangerous

http://www.kxly.com/Global/story.asp?S=9145810&nav=menu683_2_7

I'm sorry

I'm sorry for making your life unlivable. I wish it wasn't me. I love being your wife. I wish you loved being my husband. Apparently I was wrong. I'm so stupid sometimes.

Coyote

I went up to Mesquite today to see a client. Almost hit a coyote. poor thing...hehe

what about now...

"What About Now"

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Confused...

It's been such a long time since I wrote on here. I never have time anymore. Maybe that is a lie. I just don't write. I used to write a lot...with pen and paper. It's amazing the things that you forget to do when life twists around. I miss so much that I had, that I need, that I want. It's hard to put it into words. Maybe I just never had anything to begin with. Maybe I just tricked myself that I had something because I needed something to believe in. I think most of this is a manifestation that I dream up. LMAO. Sometimes I think that I am living in a dream world and pray desperately to wake up. But in reality I know that it can't be done. How hard is it to wake up form a bad dream? You tell me please because I am dying to find the answer to that question. Sometimes the dream itself is tricking and confusing...I wish it wasn't. I wish a lot...

So...

This weekend was mighty busy. The pig roast came out overly good!! I was really excited to bring back a tradition that my father started.

New Job

It's been a while since I posted anything up here. I have like blog binges...if that's possible. I gotta new job with EPS. I start the 21st of this month. God help me. At least it will be something exciting and another noch in my resume.

Big weekend this weekend. Pig roast going on!! I'm excited about that. I'll post pictures!

Brothers & Sisters

No, not the tv show. Actually I have them, lots of them! And in the stupidity of us...we just now realize that we can IM eachother and such. It's overly exciting and actually the only thing that is good right now. I can't wait to see them again. Funny how you don't know anyone all your life but when you talk it's like you've always known them. Looking forward for everytime I get to see and talk to them.

BE HAPPY!

co-worker with the Easter joke

"So there are two chocolate bunnies."

"One has it's ass bitten off the other one has it's ears bitten off."

"The one bunny says 'my ass hurts.'"

"The other one says 'I can't hear you.'"

Me: "Oh, that's cute." "Thanks."

Her: "Well, you know, when you bite the corner off the bunny and then go for the ears?"

Me: "Oh, that's cute." "Thanks"

Holy moly holy week

I'm not a big fan of the religion I grew up learning and studing. However I find myself still compled to do the religions rites. I don't know why. I think it is a cross between wanting something to believe in and keeping my mother happy. That's a job that I have aquired now that my father has passed. He did it well, I do it out of duty and care. But I'm getting off the main post here. I have a bad habit of thinking and over thinking.

So anyhow it's "holy week"...the week before Easter. And tonight at 7pm when I should be at home chilling out just sitting...I have to be at church for an hour listening to the priest and washing feet. I probably won't volunteer to feet wash...that's just too much for me.

Friday is Good Friday...I always thought Fridays as good anyhow. But no meat is allowed. Well that with blood meat. So I'm stuck with some sort of fish. Probably some salmon.

On Easter I'll look around the church to see all the 2 time a year churchies. With their big hats and fancy dresses. And wonder if those people think that they are excused from their sins all year the 2 times they attend church. Even our Pastor knows this as he asked the regular crew to just try and be considerate to those who over run the church this Easter. I wonder what her really wants to say. Something to the fact of "You all come only twice a year, we need money all year long...so please come weekly and give 10% of all your income."

LOL.

Easter Sunday has 8 masses. Yes 8, I said 8. Isn't that incredible.

I'm not a weekly church goer. Nope not by a long shot. There was a time after Dad passed that we did. However, not now.

"Where's your God now?" "How come he doesn't save you from that cross?"

This is the word...

indifference (http://definr.com/indifference) n

1: unbiased impartial unconcern
2: apathy demonstrated by an absence of emotional reactions
3: the trait of lacking enthusiasm for or interest in things
4: the trait of remaining calm and seeming not to care; a casual lack of concern

...that I should employ more often.

employ v: put into service (for those with the HUH? look).

M.B.

This is another great song. I'm not one for Michael Buble but I might just get this CD.

Enjoy

http://youtube.com/watch?v=7X5cZC5U6dM

Nobody Knows, Pink

I really love Pink. She says things in her songs that everyone else in the world is afraid of saying. I have a habit of liking depressing and angry songs. In light of yesterdays post...this is just for me.

Passed...

I think I might be having some crazy issues. Maybe it's just a combination of regret, anger, and sorrow. Maybe I should be on meds....then again it ain't all that serious. My ex-uncle passed away the other day. Even though he was a druggie and everything under the sun...it brings back a lot of memories of dad and how we won't make any more memories. Too many people dying lately. About a month or so my friend's mom passed too. She emailed me looking for some advice. And all I could tell her is that the hurt never goes away. You just learn to deal with that person not being around anymore. Not even like an ex-gf or bf...just and empty sort of thought. It's hard not to forget their smell or voice. It sometimes makes you want to go hit the perfume store and buy up all of the cologne that person used to wear...just in case you forget the smell. And the longer it has been the harder it gets. In May my father will be dead 3 years now. And till this day I recall his smell and words. I miss him.

I may just think to much about these sort of things. I wonder what will happen at the time I die too. I wonder how people will react. I don't think anyone will completely flip out. I hope I'm really really really old when that happens.

Night time is the worst I think. Every thing comes back to you. Why is it that at 4 in the morning when I have to pee because my bladder is a small pea...is when all the thoughts come to my head?

Really, night time can be lonely. Even if you have someone with you. You wake up and pee and think and listen...for something I suppose I'm listening for. Don't ask me for what because I really couldn't tell you. But all you hear is nothing. The faucet, the house settle, the cat bell, the dog barking, the police siren BUT if you really pay attention and listen closely you can hear your own heartbeat. Isn't that priceless?

They have grown on me...

the burps. The burps are becoming like a very close but annoying friend that constantly is with you. People say I should go to the doctor and be all like:

"Hey doc, what's with all the burps?"

HOLY CRAP

Sirius playing Ice Ice Baby...lol Oh, come on, you know you like it...STILL!

Accomplished...

Well mostly accomplished. Kris and I worked on the back yard this weekend. I had to join the forces. Anyhow...we, well he, bought some plants for me...and some fruit trees for us. I excited to see if they survive and actually bare fruit. It would be nice to save some money on food. Pulling weeds, raking, and shoveling aren't my thing but since we aren't going to hire someone...someone has to do it. Kris actually stayed out there with me. Gotta keep him moving. I think he was excited to actually see some progress back there. Of course I have to be the enforcer...but it works. It still needs lots of work...but it's looking great! Also had to put a fence around the flower bed and the trees so that Russell doesn't poop, pee, or dig up the plants. Poor thing was really confused about the fence. Maybe I'll take some pictures and post them up. I can't wait to actually just have him going potty in one place.

side note: I'm at work and my idiotic co-worker is yelling at her client...WTF?

But the yard is coming out good. Getting ready for the pig party!!

Wireless fountain

It's just a fancy way to say...NEEDS BATTERIES. LOL. People kill me really. Well it's sitting on my desk, looking all ZEN and stuff. However, it isn't causing any Zen at all. It actually distracts me more than I like. I keep rearranging the rocks that come with it. Knowing fully that I'm never going to be satisfied with where they are EVER! And the trickling water sound makes me wanna pee every 4 (yes 4) minutes even if I don't have to go. Then I wonder when the batteries are going to run out so that I can change them or rather have some peace from it. Either way I'm screwed.

But I like it. Go figure.

dreams

I used to love my dreams. I have lucid ones. Yes the actual ones you know you are dreaming and can manipulate stuff in. I have plenty of them. Recently though...by an unwilling attempt to understand them I've been looking them up on the highly generalized dream websites. Sometimes I obsess over things. Anyhow, my dreams have become these long sagas of tragedy and humor. Like something written by an 18th century writer trying to make it big but keeps failing at it. I keep thinking there are these deep meanings in what my brain is doing...and possibly not. Either way it sucks having a long drawn out drama happening in your head not letting you really sleep even though you really are asleep. What's up with that? I wish my brain would leave me alone. I can't even get away from myself. LOL. No, that's not really funny.

Mom

Mom's doing well. Much better than past years. She got picked to be in the town paper. Cool, I think. The boys are excited about it. It won't be up until 3/11...but that's soon enough. Once it's up I'll post a link to it. She called me all excited that they took 50 pictures of her today. She went to Ross to buy a new shirt just for today. With all the shirts she already has...but it is a special day. Maybe we can scrap the article when it comes out. I'm glad she is happy.

Silent auction

They had a silent auction here at work. Well it's actually the second one they hold. I didn't bid on anything the last time...nothing caught my attention. But this time I got a few cool things:

wireless water fountain
Hello Kitty McDonald's toy
Bath and Body Basket
Necklace
Ring
Fondue maker
Tin jewelery box
Orange pillows

I think that's all I got

Like if I had a lot of room in our house...but we don't...but who in their right mind can pass up on Hello Kitty? Even if it's just a McD's toy!

Russell

Russ...he's my dog and my current child. He eats what he can and then throws up on the carpet. I really wish we had wood floors sometimes. But then Russ couldn't chase the laser because he would loose his footing on wood...maybe it would be funny to see him crash around the house on wood floors...but then I'd have to pay all the vet bills of broken bones and probably get on PETA's bad side and then they wouldn't send me any more address labels with my name on it...spelled correctly.

LOL.

I kill myself sometimes.

hobby

In light of my busy post. I've decided to take up scrapbooking. I really don't know why. Maybe to keep me busy, maybe to share something with mom, maybe just to spend money...I don't know. Maybe just to pacify Kris, maybe just because there isn't anything else meaningful for me to do right now in my life but cut pictures and paste them on paper.

my b-day

Imma 31 now. woohoo. just less than halfway to 60. I think about that a lot. In fact I think of a lot of things that others don't know about. I keep hearing some buzz...like a cell phone buzz...but nothing is buzzing. I'm going insane I think. Maybe it's like that guy, OMG, I just forgot what I was going to write.

Well anyhow happy b-day to me...which was about 2 weeks ago.

time passes

by so damn quickly. I've been busy, but not really busy. If you can call my life busy. The more you say it the more the word sounds retarded. Sandy doesn't like the word retarded...maybe I shouldn't use it much. I guess I've just become a jumble of un-busy-ness-but-busy. Maybe I just look busy. I don't know. I feel busy sometimes...more times than not. I look around but I don't seem to finish or do much. So how can I be busy? You tell me. Life hasn't been the best lately...I don't think. So trying to be busy or maybe look busy? Trying to keep my mind busy from what I can tell you. I would tell you but I keep it in my head for a reason. Maybe I'm just a nut case wrapped up in a little cute box of busy. Can you be idle-busy?